The other morning before the three little ones had woken up, (Justin was gone already for the day) my oldest, Sadie, came into my bed and nuzzled into my arms. This is rare because Sadie can out sleep anyone in our home. But I was happy she was there.
As we laid in bed she asked, “Wanna know what I dreamed about?”
“Of course,” I said.
She told me she chased the sun through her entire dream. Confused, I asked her to explain. She said, (maybe a little annoyed at me) “I ran across the whole world trying to catch the sun before it went down.” To indulge her, or maybe to indulge me, I closed my eyes as she told me what she had seen. And as I listened, for a small moment, my life, felt a little bit like magic.
I could see the golden glow on her dirty blond hair from the sun setting. I could feel the wind on her face as she ran as fast as she could to catch that sun. I could hear the echos of her squeals of laughter and see her outstretched arms trying so hard, just for one moment, to touch it. I could feel the ground beneath her bare feet as she ran unwarily.
I asked her if she ever got tired and she responded, “no, I just kept running and running.”
I could see the animals, the ocean, the trees. I could see the open plains filled with tall grass with the wild flowers swaying as she run by.
I saw her world as her five year old self would. It was this big beautiful place full of magic and wonderment. It was safe.
I then asked her if she ever caught that sun before it went down. She smiled and even giggled a little bit at me and said, “Nope. It just went down.” She wasn’t disappointed. She didn’t even sound frustrated or defeated by it. She just accepted it, almost as if she knew that would be the outcome the entire time.
And then, there it was. My light bulb moment.
It wasn’t about actually catching the sun before it set.
It was about the chase. It was about the adventure. All the things she had seen and felt, is what made her dream exciting and memorable and maybe even a little bit silly.
And next week this five year old child that lay cuddling me in my arms will be in Kindergarten. And before I know it, will be trading in her dollies and dress ups for nail polish and boys. And my girl who chased the sun across the earth will be gone.
And so, no longer do I want to focus my thoughts on the outcome.
I want to chase the sun.
And I don’t want to worry about ever catching it in the end. But enjoy the breeze on my face and the ground beneath my feet. I want to relish in my life and every second that passes by.
I will embrace these times when we have no money. I will love the cereal dinners and ramen noodles for lunch. I will appreciate the long nights up with the babies and the early rising mornings…with the babies. I will let the kids run in the rain and play in the mud and not worry so much about the mess that ends up in my house. But focus on the happy memories they will make in their childhood.
I will not forget what it was like to be a child!
Because before I know it, that sun will set and all I will have to look back on are these moments. These crazy, chaotic, full of life, moments.
Thanks for looking!